It's Okay to Hate Your Pregnancy

 I think the only thing worse than a horrible pregnancy, is not being able to fully vent about it. Too often people think when you say, "I hate my pregnancy!", you're also saying you HATE your baby too. When that is never the case. Why is it so taboo to talk about the bad times? Why do we need to always paint this pretty picture with rainbows and sunshine for women. We can't also shine light on the bad? I can tell you almost every single thing I am going through is rarely ever talked about. It's something I wish more women knew. So they can better prepare. I also wish it was more common to talk about how much you hate being pregnant without sounding unappreciative for being able to create life.

I understand more than others how difficult it is being able to have a child. I was told ever since I was 19 to have babies quick or else I wouldn't be able to have them at all. I've been dealing with fertility struggles at such a young age. This miracle baby is such a blessing for my fiancé and I. We couldn't be happier to be able to bring this bundle of joy into this world. But knowing the struggles we have gone through, doesn't make the pain of this pregnancy hurt less.

I remember being so excited to be pregnant. I LOVE food! I couldn't wait to be able to eat everything and have cravings. I was so excited to take cute baby bump pictures and write in a baby journal to document everything. I just couldn't wait to be a mom :) 

Instead I got long nights in the ER. 12 needle pokes in a two day span. Being so sick that I started losing weight rapidly. And not being able to eat food for days. I became so frail. I couldn't walk without puking. It was so hard dealing with all of this and having to put a smile on my face and downplay how I truly felt. The truth is that hyperemesis gravidarum is no joke and there is no happy way around it. Saying, "Oh you'll be so happy when the baby is here though!" doesn't make how women suffering with this are feeling in that moment. 

We know that yes, six to seven months down the road we will be so happy. But that happiness doesn't hide what we went through. Some women might decide that it was too traumatic to even want to have another child again. The stress of constant worry that how sick your getting is hurting the baby may not be worth it. And that is all okay!

There was a good month and half where I could barely leave my bed. I was so dependent on my fiancé Travis for everything. I was hooked up to a PICC line where I received 2 bags of fluids a day. I also had a 24/7 pump that hooked up to my stomach that gave me anti-nausea medicine. It was so hard for me being stuck inside and not being able to do anything. Barely being able to keep food down and all I could feel was helplessness. 

I am still on this medicine and it all really bums me out. I hate having to get poked in my stomach every three days. My stomach is filled with welts from the needle and just looks so gross. I hate having to explain to people that even though I was feeling fine yesterday, today I am not doing so great. I hate having to cancel plans and worry if my friends will hate me because I just am not feeling great. And most of all, I hate how I feel the need to hide how I am truly feeling. Because it feels taboo to talk about all of the not-so-glamorous parts of pregnancy.

Bottomline is that it's okay to hate your pregnancy. It's okay to not want to think about all the things you get to look forward to and just focus on what you are currently going through. I hate my pregnancy and cannot wait for it to be over. I cannot wait to be able to eat a meal again and not have to worry about puking it up later! I can't wait to not have to worry about losing so much weight and if I am harming my baby. I can't wait to be able to truly enjoy hanging out with people without the fear of getting randomly sick.

And none of this makes me a bad mom. None of this makes me unappreciative for being able to have a baby. And it doesn't make me love my little one any less. This one is for all my mommas who are going through it. No you are not alone and it's okay to want your baby here NOW! It's okay to hate your pregnancy. 💖