People are always sold the narrative that being cancer free is living the dream. Yet, I have never felt that. I have always felt the opposite. I haven’t felt normal or like myself since August 2018. That was the last time I truly was myself. I have gone through something major every year since. It’s hard for me to be around others who are talking about loved ones they have lost, because I become immersed with survivor's guilt. Cancer has taken a toll on me and even with it completely gone from my body, I still feel it in my shadows everyday.
Being a survivor is feeling like I have to keep everything in, because “at least I am still alive”. But am I really alive when I am in a constant state of fear of the what ifs? It’s hard expressing myself when I am overwhelmed with thoughts of sounding ungrateful. That God gave me the will to live and not others. But it’s hard trying to cope when I feel like I have to cope alone. When the truth is that even if you are staring at the face of a survivor, that doesn’t mean it’s all sunshines and rainbows for them. I am still waiting for that. Every January, I make a wish hoping that this will be a normal year. That I won’t have to worry about surgeries or my fertility. That I can be that young hopeful person again.
To be honest being a 25 year old cancer survivor is no walk in the park. I truly felt alone from the start. I was at an awkward age…18. I was just shy of being a child and being able to connect with kids my age. I had to go to adult centers where everyone was way older. It was hard to find someone who was going through exactly what I was. I was 19 when I first had to really think about my fertility. It was in the summer of 2015. I had to drop out of college the year prior to focus on my treatments. I was just focused on going back to college, making friends and joining a sorority. I didn’t want to focus on my health. I was ready to be normal. That was because that is what everyone had said. You get monthly scans and go about your day. Living your best life again.
Instead I was met with constant anxiety from the start. My first scan after all my treatments they found another unidentifiable object. Which led to more testing. I spent my birthday that year waiting for results to see if I would become cancer free. It was later known to me that I would need to have surgery to remove a small benign tumor but could wait. I was so happy and filled with joy and went on to work for Disney for the next few months. When I came back home in the spring of 2015, I just assumed I would be preparing for my first full year of college. I didn’t expect to have to make a huge decision on whether or not I wanted to freeze my eggs.
My oncologist was concerned because I only had a partial ovary left. He wasn’t aware if the surgery I needed would cause me to have to lose my last ovary. I remember being so against wanting to go through fertility treatments. I was 19 and was not thinking about kids at all. I just wanted to go to college and be normal. I didn’t want to be tied up in a hospital again for about a month and a half. I didn’t want to be poked 5x a day with needles (no exaggeration). But I was young and naive and was so thankful my parents had me go through it.
I had a procedure at the end of my fertility treatments and then another surgery a month later to remove the tumor from my ovary. This benign tumor came back that following January (2016) and it needed to be removed. In 2017, I had to go through the loss of my eggs I had frozen in 2015. The hospital I had it stored at had unfortunately lost my eggs. I didn’t realize then how damaging that was. I just remember being a Junior in college. Stressing about student teaching. Trying to pass my midterms and finals. And having to deal with the result of this incident. 2018 was when I had to go through the fertility treatments again. I wasn’t excited but I knew I needed to do this for my future. This was when I realized how much Ovarian Cancer affects you. This was the first time the nurse at the clinic had a concerned look on her face. That look of there weren’t many eggs. This was the first time menopause was brought up. I was only 22 at this point and couldn’t believe what I was having to deal with. It was the first time I really thought about not being able to have my own kids. I had doctors constantly telling me that if I had someone to have a child with now I should. I was still in college, single, and not thinking about kids anytime soon. It was such a weird feeling. I didn’t get a lot of eggs that time.
In 2019, I found out that dang benign tumor had come back. If it was someone else, they would just let it be. But because of my history, I had to get it monitored. I opted out of having surgery because I wanted a break. I was graduating college and starting my job as a teacher. I wanted this to be a new chapter of life without doctors and scans. I wanted to truly start enjoying life. And it was so great being so carefree and happy for a while. However, in 2020, my doctors had suspected the tumor was growing. They thought it might be best to do another round of fertility treatments and have surgery.
I was heartbroken at this point. The emotional and physical toll a woman has to go through when doing fertility treatments is insane. You are getting poked daily with 5-7 needles. You are in and out of the hospital every 3-5 days for about a month. Then the week you have your procedure you are there every other day. You go through immense hormonal changes. Because the medicines make your body think you’re pregnant. It’s insane and crazy and tip my hat to every female who has gone through it. This was going to be my third time and it just made me so upset. But I knew I needed to do it. I lost all my eggs the first time. The second time I got very little. Not enough to have ONE child. I knew if this surgery damaged my ovary I would regret it. I was getting older and it was sinking in that I might not be able to have my own child.
It was hard for me to realize and emotionally process how God could put me on this earth and have my calling be teaching young children. And then turn around and take the possibility of having a child away from me. It took a lot of growth and years to realize that my true calling wasn’t to teach young lives, but to help others. And I do that by teaching where I do. And I can also do that by adopting kids in foster care who need a loving mom.
The surgery went well and so did my procedure with my eggs. They didn’t get a lot of eggs, but I learned I have enough to hopefully have one child if I ever need them. I was ready to move on and have 2021 be my year. I became 5 years cancer free. Which is a huge deal. Even being in a pandemic I still wanted to celebrate and be hopeful that the next year would be so promising.
I had my yearly followup with my oncologist in December. This was my year to get a pap. And ladies I know they are annoying but you should be getting a routine pap to check for cancers and stay safe! I had been getting them since I was 18 and was getting used to them. Even though I was going in hopeful and 5 years cancer free, I still had that worry. That I know every cancer survivor gets when getting their yearly check ups. I remember checking daily on my hospital app for my test results. And I remember that sunken feeling I got when I saw my results. I had an abnormal pap. I remember researching every word on the internet to find out exactly what my scan meant. I remembered calling my parents in tears because it told me I had precancerous cells. I remember being so scared and feeling so alone in my 1 bedroom apartment in the height of the pandemic. I was so thankful my job was virtual and I could teach anywhere. I couldn’t stop crying. Even though it was precancerous, I just wanted a break. It felt like I have been hit with one thing after another.
In January of 2021, I had a followup appointment where I had a colposcopy. That is a noninvasive procedure where the doctor checks and sees if you have any precancerous cells on your cervix. I was a nervous wreck and spent weeks researching and searching reddit for experiences. Everywhere I read, it talked about how much pain you’d be in and how people normally take pain meds beforehand. I do not like taking medicine for personal reasons and was ready to tough it out. The best thing about not taking pain meds is that I had learned how to suffer through intense pain. It caused me to have a high pain tolerance and I honestly didn't feel a thing.
During the exam if the doctor sees anything that looks precancerous, they would take a small piece of the cervix and biopsy it. I was so happy that I saw nothing. I have to have a follow up to make sure everything is still good. But I am hopeful that it was just a mini bump in the road. Cancer scares are tough. And they are even tougher when you have them back to back.
In April, I started experiencing pain in my left ovary. I knew this pain. I knew something was on my ovary. Doctors weren’t taking me seriously. I was so thankful I have learned to be an advocate for myself. I have found my voice and kept asking them to run more tests. My worst fears were slowly coming true. This tumor was back. I spent the whole month of April and part of May, going to scans done on Wednesdays. I was so thankful to have my boyfriend by my side.
Those were some of the most painful months I had to go through. The tumor this time looked like it was growing. I was getting told by one doctor to remove my last ovary completely. I was having to decide if this was the route I wanted to go. At 25, I had to decide if I wanted to go into surgical menopause and lose all hope of having a child naturally. All while teaching during a pandemic. I was so beyond stressed and sad and worried. I didn’t know if it was cancerous. I was trying my best to keep it together.
I drove up to Cleveland Clinic to get one last opinion from their fertility team. I spoke with the most amazing doctor who put my mind at ease. She told me about the new advances in medicine that are available for women.They are able to take out my ovary and safe piece of my ovary. And when I am ready to have kids, they can reattach it and it can simply grow back. It was amazing to know I had this option especially because my ovary just keeps getting the same benign tumor.
So I am now sitting here in September. Waiting to schedule all my followup appointments. I as of right now still have the tumor on my ovary and am just monitoring my pain with it. I still need to have a check and have a repeat colposcopy to make sure I still don’t have precancerous cells.
I wanted to write this to show that women are tough as shit. And that life after cancer isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Survivors are allowed to have bad days without others telling them to be grateful that they’re still alive. We know that, and trust me we are. But a lot of behind the scenes goes on after you finish your last chemo treatment. Our lives don’t always go back to normal. Some of us fear hospitals. I fear medicine simply because I had an extreme allergic reaction during my treatments.
People are constantly fighting silent battles. Be kind to everyone. As September comes to an end, please make sure to know your body and understand the symptoms of Ovarian Cancer. It mimics regular period symptoms which causes it to become a silent killer. Because it was found too late. I caught mine at the very end stages of Stage 3. It is also a pediatric cancer. Kids as young as 12 can get the strand of Ovarian Cancer I got. Be aware, stand up to your doctors, and know and understand your body.
